It has been a while since i have really been personal on this blog. That's some what the purpose of this blog. To show all sides of me. Random or deep. Lately i have been feeling a pressure or tension with no real avenue of relieving it. And i have to remember that even though public. My blog is my journal or my own little way of speaking to the world, when they want to listen on there own terms. With that said.......
They say "be careful what you ask for". I always asked that one day i could be recognized for my talents and ambition. I could be heard and express myself, and the world recieve it. Well i guess i am realizing that i'm getting what i asked for. My photography is starting to gain attention and rave reviews. Its a blessing and a flattering situation. At first i thought it would be cool to have a bunch of hot girls wanting to hang around you or give there attention to you. But at times i'm starting to hate it. Because you realize a lot of it is because of this talent they can benefit from. Everybody gathers around you to benefit from your talent. It is a business, it is a hustle. You have to stay focused and seperate it from the pleasure. But i'm at a point in my life where the majority of my time and dedication is being around the business side of life. That's when it gets difficult. Because nothing around you feels real anymore. Nothing feels genuine. The relationships you have with people are from creative attraction. People stay in touch with you not because of the person you are. But because of what you do. As much as we can say the personality behind the talent means a lot in terms of chemistry and such, I have to wonder. If i dropped this camera today, walked away from photography or if i walked away from Function and Form. Who would still genuinely, truely, give a fuck about me? Who would still want to hang out as much, talk as much, get to know me?
My guess would be only about 10-15 percent of the people i know involved with all the things i do. Most people would say "who cares?". Well i guess in a way , deep down i do. I always told myself that no matter where i go in life, or the experiences i have, i want to remember who i am, where i came from and whats important to me. My values. How i was raised. My parents and support group as a kid, raised me to be a person that genuinely cares about people. I was raised to have an open mind. I was raised to be supportive and loyal. And i find that in anything i do, its important to me to keep these values as much as possible. But in reality a lot of these values just don't fit in the industries i'm in, or the life i live. So you just find yourself lost. Feeling that you cannot truely be yourself. You have to put on this character to deal with the industry or politics of it all. People know me for Pkasso, People know me as Pworld. But a lot of people miss out on Preston. On the flip side........There are people who know me as Preston but have no idea about who Pworld or Pkasso is. So they tend to lack some respect, or understanding of the person they are dealing with.
Alot of people like to title themselves as the underdog or the victim. A lot of times i feel under appreciated. Because a lot of people assume by what they see on the surface but have no idea what i deal with day to day, the struggles. Mentally, spiritually, physically, etc. Trying to put a company on the map in an industry where the odds are against you if you don't have millions of dollars and nobody knows your name. Trying to show the world and make the world respect a passion i have, when nobody even knew i had a passion for it and didn't acknowledge it. And venturing into new area's and dreams in my life. I suck it up a lot. I don't complain, i walk away from a lot of situations where i want to get frustrated because that person doesn't realize all i have on my plate. They only see the aspect of my life that benefits them. And they probably don't care what else is on my plate. Its a cut throat world out here......
But at times i want to escape. I want to disappear, where nobody can ask me about a picture, nobody can ask me about a suspension, or a beat, or to be there for them to talk too. or to make them feel better. I want to take control back and say "no its not about what you want, its about me, i'm taking away everything you feel i have to offer you and lets see if you still care." I want to say, fuck your pictures, fuck your car, fuck what your going thru. Shut up, and listen to what i want what i'm going thru and how are you going to help me out!!. Its funny alot of people, if i asked them for the same favors i do for them, i wouldn't get half the effort. If i wanted half of the thoughtful efforts that i have for others i would be dissapointed. Maybe i just need to find a way to really disappear. See who appreciates what and how they show it *shrugs*.
Stay blessed.
No comments:
Post a Comment